I have watched pastors wipe sweat from their brows and tears from their eyes while screaming that to live is Jesus. I have watched pastors dramatize the importance of dying to yourself and daily picking up your cross and following Jesus, no matter the cost. I have heard their radical words throughout my entire life, and those words have always made me squirm a little bit. I honestly have never understood what those worked up pastors were trying to get at, but lately the more I pursue Christ the more I realize that reckless abandonment is what He is all about.
We’re all searching for something. The more people I meet, the more convinced I am that we all search for fulfillment. We all find our identity somewhere. Some people find it in food. Some people find it in money. A lot of girls my age find it in boys. A lot of people find it in drinking and partying and sleeping around. People find their identity in school and grades and accomplishments. People find their identity in going to church and serving others. These things are all just attempts to fill the empty places inside. I know because I have done it.
On December 16th, 2015, I finally sat down with God and told Him that I was done searching. God has taken me on a journey over the past several months. It has been a journey of losing myself in order to truly find Him. I kicked and screamed the whole way because I have always been afraid that if I give it all up, Christ won’t be enough for me. I was afraid that I would end up alone and miserable with nothing but a Bible and a journal full of unanswered prayers. So I kept searching. I was pursuing God, sure, but deep down I was restless because I was afraid to let Him be enough for me. On December 16th, though, I was done.
I realized that as long as I kept searching for fulfillment and happiness in this world, I would always be restless. I realized that I had spent the past five years of my life jumping guy to guy and begging them to make me whole and content. And I was never satisfied. I realized that those high-strung pastors might actually be right about something. Jesus is it.
Deuteronomy 4:29 says “But from there you will search again for the LORD your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.”
Nothing in this world will ever satisfy me. No relationship or accomplishment or thing can fill the empty spaces inside of me. I have lived for myself for a long time. I have made a lot of mistakes. I took out my hurt on the people around me. I have hurt many people that I love. But God really had to bring me to the end of myself to show me that He was all that I had. And He is all that I need. Tasting the sweetness of God’s love, without all the filters of expectation and religion, has allowed me to bask in the fullness of who He is and who I am through Him. God promises to show up if we lay it all at the feet of Jesus and embrace Him. It’s not about what we can do for Him, it’s about what He has already done for us. He loves me and you. He loved us enough to save us from ourselves and offer us Jesus and abundant life. But we have to choose Him. We have to stop searching for the things of this world and start searching for the only thing that really matters. Jesus.
So, that’s what this blog is. It’s a representation of my own searching for Christ. I hope that you will join me. I hope that you will stop searching and that you will stop being afraid. Even if it’s been a long time since you tried to talk to God or spend time with Him- I promise that He’s waiting. He’s never left. Redemption is always an option.